Rental Woes

When there is something different about you, you always assume that it is the thing that is going to bite you in the ass. When you’re trans*, you always have to wonder if you were rejected by that school/job/person because of it. Whereas other people would assume it was their resume, lack of experience, GPA, or incompatibility, most trans* people at least take a second to wonder whether someone stumbled upon an old blog of theirs or their name change came up in a background check or if that person just really wasn’t interested in dating someone like that. For the most part, I haven’t really experienced this. I’ve been rejected by schools, but I feel like it is safe to assume it was due to other factors. I’m lucky enough that I don’t really have any reason to believe I’ve been discriminated against. I did, however, pause this week when my girlfriend and I applied to rent an apartment in the city we’re moving to later this summer and had our application rejected. My heart absolutely sank when I heard that it was because I had failed their background check.

I’ve really never had any run-ins with the law other than a couple of parking tickets (which I promptly paid), so I felt it was pretty safe to assume this had something to do with my transition. The rental company explained that the background check only told them whether each of us failed, passed, or conditionally passed the background check, not the details, so I assumed that my name change triggered some kind of “DO NOT RENT” failure on the background check. My girlfriend and I started generating scenarios about what to do if I couldn’t pass a background check to rent an apartment, how we would have to find another rental company and only put her name on the lease, etc. Luckily my mom encouraged us to go talk to the rental company despite the fact that they had assured us that they didn’t have any information and couldn’t look into it. We went into their office anyway and timidly asked them if they could check again and explained that I’d never so much as gotten an MIP or speeding ticket. They rental company was very polite and understanding and checked my file, which stated in bold that I’d failed the background check because I’d supposedly been arrested for theft 4 years ago. Of course this was a mistake, one that was easily fixed with a phone call.

The frustrating thing is that I probably wouldn’t have followed up with the company unless my mom had insisted. Very few states protect trans* individuals from housing discrimination, and I was already prepared for defeat as soon as we got that first phone call. It may seem paranoid, particularly since I’ve never really faced discrimination like that before, but it certainly didn’t seem terribly unlikely given the circumstances. I’m just really relieved that it was a completely unrelated mix-up. Still, this worrying and wondering is something that comes with the territory. Although they fixed the error, we still have a few more pieces of paperwork to wait on before we find out if we got the apartment. Things are looking pretty positive, though, and soon it should be one less thing on my list to worry about for the upcoming move.

Relationship Gender Roles

I’m taking a class on family this semester and one thing we talked about is the “stalled revolution,” or the idea that men haven’t really picked up the slack around the house since women joined the workforce. We watched an older video that interviewed couples about housework and showed husbands talking about how they just didn’t mind mess and that their wives liked to clean anyway, etc. It was during this time in the class that the only other guy in the class and I kind of realized that neither of us pulled our own weight housework-wise in our respective living situations. Both of us reported feeling a little guilty about it and didn’t really know how it happened. Neither of us would be the type of people to put forth the sexist idea that our girlfriends prefer doing all of our cooking and cleaning, so how did this happen?! As a trans* guy and a feminist, I thought I was immune to these sorts of things. Wouldn’t I just naturally create egalitarian relationships, you know, without any effort? Needless to say, I was a little bothered.

For me, there has been tension in the past few years between asserting my masculinity and remaining true to my core beliefs and values. This isn’t to say that transitioning is anti-feminist, because I strongly disagree with that. However, being insecure with one’s masculinity opens the possibility for a lot of bad behavior. One of the most interesting facts I learned in my family class is that men who are insecure because their wives make more money than them tend to do even less work around the house because they are trying to impose more traditional gender roles on their relationship in order to feel more secure in their masculinity. I wonder how this affects those trans* guys out there who are insecure about their masculinity because they are constantly misgendered or otherwise feel they have to prove themselves. I wonder how this sort of concept affects me. I have never been the type of person who did a lot around the house. I’ve always picked up after myself but I’ve never really vacuumed, done dishes, or cooked. I know that my unhelpfulness around the house doesn’t all boil down to gender, but I think it does play a role.

I guess this just sort of serves as a reminder that I need to consciously cultivate a positive masculinity.

Standing Up for Myself

I’m kind of a wimp, or at least incredibly passive aggressive, when it comes to defending my gender identity. When people ask me, or call me by, my birth name, I am taken off guard and answer the question instead of telling them it is inappropriate. When they ask me invasive questions about my body I just laugh it off and try to get out of the conversation instead of lecturing them, even if they are a friend. When I am outed in front of other people I never let people know I’m mad, I just duck away and avoid them. Even though I know that the people who do these things are wrong, I tell myself that they are just uneducated and don’t know any better, but I don’t ever seem to have the guts to educate them. I’m good at giving people advice for these types of situations, but not so great at following through with what I say. This is a problem I have from time to time, but luckily it does not come up too much. The vast majority of people I’m surrounded by are respectful, understanding, and accepting. I do, however, run into quite a few people who profess to be “open minded,” or otherwise accepting but still say transphobic things (often not about me, but things like “you’re cool, but those people…”) and otherwise say inappropriate stuff. It’s funny because I recently saw someone make a post online saying that fatphobia is the last socially acceptable prejudice. Close, but not entirely true! It’s one of quite a few still socially acceptable prejudices, transphobia included.

Anyway, for those of you who aren’t trans* and read this, here are some things I think you should know:

-Most people are open to questions, but there’s a time and a place. It’s exhausting to educate people all the time, and some questions are rarely (or NEVER) appropriate unless you are invited to ask. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you would ask the same question to a cisgender (non-transgender) person. For instance, asking about someone’s genitals (their size, shape, how they feel, how they have sex, etc.) is probably not okay.

-Being transgender is not like some other identities that people are open about and like to talk about. Even if you know someone is trans* and they’ve told you themselves, they may very well not want to talk about it at all or have you point it out. It’s always a good idea to ask someone if they are comfortable talking about their gender identity before you do so. It never hurts to err on the side of caution with these sorts of things.

-Be careful not to out someone without their consent, even if most people know they are trans* or they seem to be open about it. It’s understandable that sometimes it just slips out, but be conscious of the fact that outing someone can make things really awkward and uncomfortable for that person. If someone isn’t volunteering that information to others, there is probably a reason!

-Never call a trans* person by their birth name (that they no longer go by), even if you know it. It isn’t funny, even if you totally think you are joking. It’s usually quite hurtful.

Now I feel passive aggressive for putting this out there online, but seriously people need to know these things and I think it is important to put out there!

 

Miscellaneous Happenings

I haven’t posted in over a month because I’ve been ridiculously busy. It also has been kind of difficult to figure out what to post, since I don’t consider this a blog about myself as much as consider it a blog about my transition, and my transition and life have merged together so much that its difficult to sort them out. A few things that are clearly blog-able have happened in my life recently though, so I’ll try to talk about them:

Experiencing Transphobia 

Recently I had a unique encounter where someone expressed transphobic beliefs to me without knowing I was trans. This was really different for me, because as I’ve mentioned before, it’s fairly rare for me to be around people who don’t know that I’m transgender. I am stealth in some of my classes, but usually either gender never comes up, or the class is fairly liberal (women and gender studies class) and either transphobic comments aren’t made or, if they are, they are quickly shot down by other members of the class or the professor. Obviously, I’ve been rather sheltered. This isn’t to say I haven’t encountered transphobia in my life, I certainly have, I’m just used to the person saying the transphobic things knowing who they are talking to. I don’t really feel like going into the details of the situation, and luckily I don’t really have to, since I made a video all about it the day it happened (click here to watch). Essentially I had lunch with someone I had just met and, when talking about academic issues concerning gender, he went on a transphobic rant about how transsexuality is a mental delusion induced by society and doesn’t really exist. I was at lunch with a couple of my friends, and none of us spoke up (to be fair, we were completely dumbfounded and not in a position to question him). The entire time, I was sweating, anxious that he somehow knew and that he was personally judging me. My mind raced, and I was unsure whether or not I should come out or just debate him on the basis of the weakness of his argument. In the end, I know that nothing I would have said would really have mattered, since this person was a scholar in this area, with plenty of contact with transgender people, who had probably already made up his mind about the matter. Still, I’m a little regretful that I didn’t stand up for myself.

This was my first taste of a situation that I will probably face a lot in my life. I’m still not entirely sure how out or stealth I will be in the future, but it is likely that I will be more stealth as I move to a town where no one knows me. As a graduate student (hopefully, and later as a professor), I will probably teach introductory sociology courses where I will be faced with students who say ignorant things. It will be my job to educate them, to correct them, to debate them. I will have to do all of those things without letting my emotions get the best of me or making it about me. That requires skills I haven’t had a lot of chances to develop yet, since up until this point I’ve mostly dealt with prejudice by avoidance or anger. I general I know that I want to be an advocate for LGBTQ people, even if I am stealth, and not allow fear of being outed to translate into fear of speaking up.

Healthcare/Moving 

So, I’m still seeing a doctor that is 6 hours away from me, which is still a ridiculous situation (though, in some ways, probably my fault). I’m not too terribly concerned about it, because of course I am moving far, far away in the next 6 months after I graduate. Unfortunately, this means I am going to have to find a new therapist, new GP, and a new endocrinologist/person to prescribe me T. I’m not really looking forward to this, because I’ve actually never had the experience of switching doctors, dentists, or whatever. I’m pretty nervous about all of that, and I think it makes me even more nervous that I can’t start researching this because I still don’t know where I’m going next year/in August. Wherever I’m going, though, it will be a larger city than where I am now so that bodes well for finding better LGBTQ resources. Not knowing where I’m going in general, though, and whether or not I’ll have a good healthcare team, really makes me nervous. It just sort of makes me realize how being trans* (or a minority in any way) can add additional concerns and stress onto really any situation. I’m also nervous about how out I’ll be in grad school, whether or not grad schools will look me up and find out I’m trans* during the application process, etc. etc.

I am excited, though, because hopefully I’ll be able to physically be more active in the LGBTQ community. I’m really active online (obviously), but I haven’t been able to go to events, support groups, and meet people in person. Since I’ll be on a university campus, I’m assuming there will be at least somewhat of an LGBTQ community wherever I go. Again, though, this raises questions of how out I want to be, since being stealth is really temping since this will be the first time in my life where I will be away from people who have known me since I was a child or watched me transition.

Birthright Redux

So I’m applying to Birthright again. For those of you who don’t know, Birthright is a program that sends Jews age 18-26 to Israel for 10 days for free on a guided trip that intends to foster connection to Israel and to one’s Jewish identity. As a side note, politically I don’t really agree with the assumption behind this program that I have any natural right to go to Israel or to live in Israel, but I’m applying for the program because I actually really would enjoy connecting with other Jews and I’m currently doing research on American Immigration to Israel so I’m very interested in Israel and it seems like a pretty invaluable experience. Anyway, last time I applied to the program I didn’t put anywhere on my application that I was trans and kind of skirted around it during my interview. I didn’t get a trip for issues entirely unrelated to that (they get a lot of applicants, there wasn’t any room on any trips for me), but I wanted to do things differently this time around. I applied specifically for an LGBTQ trip, and was open about being trans in my application. I’m also hoping to go on the trip with another trans guy. If I do go, this should be pretty interesting. I was kind of on the fence about going on an LGBTQ trip, because I’m not interested in some of the LGBTQ-specific (read: gay specific) aspects of the trip, like learning about gay Israeli history and culture (I mean, I am interested in all of that, just not as much as some other aspects of Israel). However, I think it would probably be for the best for me to go on an LGBTQ trip, because I wouldn’t have to worry about people finding out I was trans and I would be able to travel more comfortably. I will definitely continue to blog about this, because I think it has the potential to be very interesting.

That’s really most of the blog-worthy stuff that has been going on in my life.

 

New Semester, Masculinity, etc.

As the semester began this Monday, I made sure not to shave so I would have a little stubble to demonstrate to my classmates that I am indeed male. This is mostly because I think first impressions are vital when it comes to gender. People stop paying attention after they label you, but if they are unsure about you or mislabel you when you first meet them, then things can be kind of tough. I know that I’m pretty obviously male at this point, but I had an experience over the weekend that made me a little insecure. Kelly and I were out at dinner and a waitress not only called us “ladies,” but persisted in calling me “ma’am” even after she’d heard my voice and throughout the entire night. My hypothesis is that we are regulars there and she must remember me from before I started transitioning, but it still made me anxious about meeting new people in my classes. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m living semi-stealth right now. My friends, family, and nearly all of my professors know, but most of my classmates don’t know and I’m not really disclosing to new people I meet. So, it’s pretty important to me that I am consistently read as male in my classes and everywhere else.

I’ve noticed that fairly recently I’ve become more preoccupied with other men. Not in a sexual/romantic way, but in the sense that I am noticing what they are wearing, how they carry themselves, and how they embody their masculinity. There are so many different masculinities or ways to be a man, and I’m sort of trying to see how I fit in and what’s going on around me. It’s kind of amusing in my classes this semester, because I’m taking a lot of really different things so I’m surrounded by a lot of different types of people. In one of my classes, I’m surrounded by a lot of really tall, athletic frat guys, in another I am only one of two men (its a course on families). Sometimes I find myself comparing myself to the men around me, noting how much shorter I am, how much more feminine my handwriting is (for a brief second I worried my stats professor would think I was having someone else do my homework for me), and how I talk with my hands. The more men I’m around, though, the more I notice that none of those things really make me stand out all that much. I’ve heard this before, but I’m noticing that its true what they say about the distribution of traits being a bell curve among the genders. The average man may be 5’10″, have sloppy handwriting, and not be particularly expressive when he talks, but there are also plenty of men out there who are shorter or taller, have neat handwriting, and so on. I know that plenty of people have made this observation, but it’s something that has taken awhile to sink in for me.

Sometimes I wish I could be on What Not to Wear. Not because I think I’m a bad dresser, but just because sometimes I feel like I have no idea how to dress myself. I would blame this on the lack of male socialization, but 90% of the men I see on a daily basis also appear to have this problem. How clothes should fit, what one is supposed to wear with casual grey chinos, and how to pull off a polo are apparently mysteries to nearly everyone. Reading doesn’t help, I’m up on men’s fashion magazines and websites and it really hasn’t taught me much. At least I know that the majority of men are as bumbling and clueless when it comes to how to be a man as I am.

Obviously I am overthinking things, but that is essentially my job. As a sociologist (can I say that yet? maybe not until I’m accepted into a grad program), my job is to overthink everyday social interactions. As an academic in general (I think I can call myself that now, maybe…) I’m expected to turn tiny ideas into massive papers. The fact that I am constantly analyzing my own gender and the gender expression of others is just an extension of that, a hobby to keep my mind sharp.

Post Transition?

13 Months on testosterone, 7 months post-op, with no further surgeries on the horizon, I think I’m at the point that many would consider “post transition.” Other than running the Art of Transliness blog with my best friend Adrian, gender identity and transgender issues rarely come up in my everyday life. What was once endlessly fascinating is now almost boring. I’m not really stealth because too many people here have known me for too long, but my transition has faded into the background of my life enough that some people I come into contact with on a daily basis don’t know. I have plans to be stealth next year when I go to grad school, but knowing me I’ll probably mention it to at least a few people (I’m awful at keeping secrets). Even the readership of this blog has dropped off lately, which I think is a reflection of the fact that my friends and family (with some exceptions) have become accustomed to my transition so much that it’s no longer something to keep track of.

Although post transition is a real stage in transition, I think it is a bit of a misnomer. I’m done worrying about passing, binding, starting hormones, or getting surgery, the things that most transgender forums and websites focus on. A huge proportion of trans* blogs focus on the first few stages of transition: figuring out one’s gender identity, deciding to transition, and the first year on T. After that it gets fuzzy and fewer guys continue to blog. In many ways, I’m significantly less prepared for the next few years than I was for the whirlwind of starting testosterone and getting top surgery. After all, I’d watched countless video blogs that tracked guys from their first shot to their triumphant 1 year video montage, but I’ve seen few about the trials of getting a job, getting married, and starting a family years later (or doing whatever adults do). I do follow some people who are 5 or 6 years on T and still blogging, but generally people move aside and make room for the younger guys just starting out after awhile, either because they go stealth and delete their blog or because they have less motivation to record their transition because the changes are less drastic month to month. Of course nearly all of us who have made it past the 1 year mark know that we’re never really done cooking.

An issue I’ve been thinking about that has become really important in my life lately is how out I want to be and in what situations. As I mentioned before, I try to maintain somewhat stealth on my facebook, but I know that anyone who really wanted to find out about me could easily do so (through facebook, I guess, but mostly through googling me or finding this blog or whatever). I also have gotten to the point where I can assume people don’t necessarily know I’m trans, and I don’t always tell people. It’s my goal to be stealth in grad school, but I also have noticed that it can be difficult to talk about my childhood and get close to people without them knowing, and I worry that being stealth might make my social anxiety worse or keep me distanced from new friends. It’s really clear to me that in my particular situation, a balance of stealthness and outness is preferable. Considering I want to keep blogging, keep openly working on Art of Transliness, and remain a member of the queer community, it seems like that is the only option for me. Right now this is not a huge issue, because I’m not having to make these decisions until I move, but it’s something I’ve been planning for.

I’ve also been thinking about things that I’ve blogged about before, like interacting with/fitting in with cisgender men, my relationship with the queer community and my own queerness, and internalized transphobia (okay, don’t know if I’ve blogged about this one directly).  I’ve also been sort of going through a phase of figuring out my own personal style and way of fitting into society as male. Hopefully I’ll remember to blog about all this stuff.

And So I Shaved My Beard.

After transitioning for awhile, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with things. People generally use the correct name and pronouns for me, and most of the people around me either have always known me as male or have had time to acclimate to my transition and male identity. However, it’s winter, which means that people from my old life are coming home for break and I’m running into more people than usual. On top of that, one of my friends from high school recently died (I don’t want to go into this at all, just mentioning this to set the scene) and so I have been flooded with people friending me on facebook and attempting to reconnect.

Everyone gets a little nervous seeing people they haven’t seen in a long time, particularly friends from high school. I have the added stress, however, of being a person who has gone on from high school to do something particularly juicy and scandalous: transition. I know what it’s like to find out that someone you went to high school with did something worth gossiping about, like getting “knocked up,” married, or divorced. Even if you hardly knew the person at all, it’s something you bring up with other people from your high school when you run into them at the grocery store or coffee shop. It’s supremely awkward knowing that you are probably the subject of those types of conversations. For example, “did you hear ___ got a sex change?!?!”.

I’ve been more aware than usual about how uncomfortably public my transition has been, and how it is impossible for it to not come up when reconnecting with people from my past. Recently an old friend added me on facebook and posted on my wall that “I miss you! You will always be birth name to me!” I am semi-stealth on my profile (basically you could find out with some digging, but I don’t make it obvious or mention it outright). Although I post all sorts of stuff on the internet, including this blog, I feel as though my facebook is a safe space for me and it is extremely important for me to feel as though I am in control of how out I am on my profile. I immediately deleted the comment, but also realized that I can’t undo the fact that this is the way many people feel about me.

At this point, I am entering the stage of being “post-transition.” I have been on testosterone for more than a year and I have had all of the surgeries that I plan on having at this point. As I get more and more comfortable and used to living as male, these situations get more and more jarring. With my deep voice and facial hair, I may be able to blend more comfortably in everyday life than when my voice was cracking and I looked extremely androgynous, but among people who knew me before it just makes me stick out more.

Just a reminder of how truly awkward transitioning can be, even after the first year.